It's been well over a year since I have posted to this blog space. Never having forgotten about it, but as life will it went through slow and busy cycles. Kid related, job related... but of all the things I did not 'relate' to, it was the heart.
Not to say I was alone. I have my family and my son. My true friends.. the best beasts in the world. However to be honest, I came to this realization... I was going to be alone romantically for the rest of my life. (a drastic statement for sure) Mind you this didn't involve me flinging myself onto a sofa with the back of my hand on my forehead or some such. It was a quiet, resolute thing that happened in the dusky hours between night and day. It didn't exist only moments ago.... then suddenly, it lived there. I wasn't upset by this. In fact there was a luke warm sense of acceptance. I must have trudged about this way since I was last here, typing out my nonsense to you. I worked, ate, slept, played with Alexander, joked, dreamed, showered, hated, fought, danced, wept. but not loved
As the best things life always do, something hit me out of the blue. While I wasn't looking. A little bird smacking up against the glass of my soul. HAHAH. what an awful image that is. I'll leave this nebulous a bit because I don't want to jinx what I have going. It in no way seems frivolous or fleeting, but I'd rather be safe than sorry about this one. But I'm swelling full of something mysterious. Someone has said to me (and they should rightly know) that it feels as if "I've found something that I had no idea that i had lost, but was desperately needed"
I'm attempting not to get ahead of myself. It sounds so psychotic when put down like this. I'm sure that I could flower something up. Something persuasive so the random reader doesnt read this as something so up and manic that they don't understand. But somehow ... I can't muster up enough to care about what anyone else seems to think about this. It's separate and magnetic and addictive and maddening and terrifying and erotic, and serene and absolutely all encompassing. Us commitment junkies have nightmares about this... but I can't seem to recall exactly why. I just know that on a cellular level, ever bit of me is pulled towards this maddening man.
Now to convince the man to let me paint him.
Not to say I was alone. I have my family and my son. My true friends.. the best beasts in the world. However to be honest, I came to this realization... I was going to be alone romantically for the rest of my life. (a drastic statement for sure) Mind you this didn't involve me flinging myself onto a sofa with the back of my hand on my forehead or some such. It was a quiet, resolute thing that happened in the dusky hours between night and day. It didn't exist only moments ago.... then suddenly, it lived there. I wasn't upset by this. In fact there was a luke warm sense of acceptance. I must have trudged about this way since I was last here, typing out my nonsense to you. I worked, ate, slept, played with Alexander, joked, dreamed, showered, hated, fought, danced, wept. but not loved
As the best things life always do, something hit me out of the blue. While I wasn't looking. A little bird smacking up against the glass of my soul. HAHAH. what an awful image that is. I'll leave this nebulous a bit because I don't want to jinx what I have going. It in no way seems frivolous or fleeting, but I'd rather be safe than sorry about this one. But I'm swelling full of something mysterious. Someone has said to me (and they should rightly know) that it feels as if "I've found something that I had no idea that i had lost, but was desperately needed"
I'm attempting not to get ahead of myself. It sounds so psychotic when put down like this. I'm sure that I could flower something up. Something persuasive so the random reader doesnt read this as something so up and manic that they don't understand. But somehow ... I can't muster up enough to care about what anyone else seems to think about this. It's separate and magnetic and addictive and maddening and terrifying and erotic, and serene and absolutely all encompassing. Us commitment junkies have nightmares about this... but I can't seem to recall exactly why. I just know that on a cellular level, ever bit of me is pulled towards this maddening man.
Now to convince the man to let me paint him.
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